Difficult
by fadingreality
Summary: When Jacob rapes Bella after finding out about their engagement, what does the future hold for Bella & Edward now? It undoubtedly changes Bella forever. But can she learn how to survive, or will all the pain push her over the edge entirely?
1. Chapter 1

**BPOV**

_Jacob stood in front of me, his shaking form giving away how irate he was, and I noticed I could feel the heat radiating off of him even more so than usual. We stood there for an unnerving amount of time, feet apart, as it steadily grew darker around us. A few times I tried to find something to say, but the words always died before they were even born. I wasn't sure what to make of his anger, but I became more afraid of him as the minutes silently ticked by. Just as I thought of turning and running, the tension tripled as Edward suddenly appeared at my side. He loudly growled his warning at Jacob, and protectively pulled me behind him with his left arm. Lowering slightly to a crouch in front of me, he was the first to break the silence. "Leave, mutt - NOW." Edward's voice was controlled, but murderous. I had a sickening feeling this would only end one way - in a fight. At this realization, I reacted immediately, running forward to get between them. But Edward caught me before I could get there. "PLEASE! Stop! This doesn't have to turn into a fight! Jacob, please leave. And Edward, take me home now!" I pulled on Edward's hand, desperate to unlock him from his stance. Their eye contact never dropped, and I was surprised at how unfazed they were by my outburst, not even throwing so much as a glance in my direction. Exasperated, I tried again. "Jacob, you need to calm down, before you phase. I could get hurt if you both fight, don't you realize that?" Though I wasn't truly worried about being hurt, now that Edward was here, I was hoping me questioning my well-being would distract them enough to end this. I was right in that it was a distraction, but somehow it escalated the problem as Jacob turned on me, seething. "IT'S TOO LATE, BELLA! DO YOU UNDERSTAND? I DON'T CARE ANYMORE. YOU REFUSE TO LEAVE THAT PATHETIC LEECH, AND I'M DONE JUST STANDING BY!" _

_I found myself in a shocked silence, unable to fully absorb his words, or the hatred rolling off of him in waves. He was my best friend.. He was supposed to care, wasn't he? Yes, he was. But it was clear he no longer did. As if to prove my thoughts correct, he took a threatening step forward towards me, and as Edward mirrored his action, snarls tore through the both of them. Jacob exploded into a wolf, and I was screaming in horror as he leapt at Edward's throat.._

"Bella, love.. please wake up. It's ok, it was just a dream." a beautiful voice, dripping with concern, whispered to me.

My eyes flew open and I gasped, sucking in air I had apparently been keeping from myself. Propping myself up on my hands, I felt sweat dripping down my forehead and could feel the slight trembling in my body remained. What was that all about? I know Edward and Jacob aren't really _fond_ of each other, to put it lightly, but neither had done something so terrible as to instigate the reactions I had just seen in my nightmare. At least they hadn't in reality. "_Yet_," I heard echo around my head.

Even with having not started the day off so well, I decided to shake it off and enjoy my last day with Edward. He, Carlisle, Emmett, and Jasper were going on a Cullen - Hale male bonding hunting trip, to a national park in northern California with an overpopulation of Mountain Lions. They were set to leave early Friday morning, and return home late on Sunday. Three days without my Edward.. I frowned at the thought, despising when we were so far apart. I looked up at his face for the first time, noticing the restrained concern he held. He was clearly worried about what had my subconscious upset, and I could only imagine what I had said in my sleep. I wasn't sure why he still tried to contain his emotions in front of me like this, though. It rarely - if ever - worked. I may be just a mortal, but come on, he should give me more credit than to think I wouldn't notice how deep his emotions ran sometimes. For instance, my complete lack of speech now had him looking at me like I may spontaneously combust. I giggled at the thought, and leaned up and out of bed to wrap my arms around him.

"I'm sorry I worried you. It was nothing, just a bad dream. I'm not upset over anything, I promise." I said, attempting to coax out my favorite crooked grin. "Maybe I shouldn't go hun-" he started, not entirely believing me. I rolled my eyes and cut him off mid-sentence, gently placing a finger on his lips to quiet him "You will do no such thing. You haven't hunted in too long, already, Edward. Go out there and bag some mountain lions! Have fun with your brothers and father. Relax. And stop worrying over my dreams. They mean nothing." He frowned. "Bella.. You seemed really upset. Are you sure?" I could sense he was torn, most likely wanting to be there to comfort me tonight if I had another nightmare. "I swear, Edward. It was a harmless dream. Besides, you're going to be gone..what? Three days? That's not too long, what can happen in three days?" Truthfully, I knew a lot could happen, and I was in no way completely comfortable with his leaving. I never felt as safe as when he was here. "A lot can, Bella." He responded in a hushed tone, voicing my thoughts. Sometimes I wondered if he was lying about not being able to read my mind..

We both knew I couldn't deny that. This _was_ me we were talking about, I had worse luck than most. We'd both witnessed too many times just how much could happen in one day, let alone three. Hell, I could barely go 5 minutes without nearly fatally injuring myself in some way! But I knew if I told him this now, he'd only back out of his plans with his family and prolong his inevitable absence for hunting. I smirked at him, sudden desire taking over as I leaned in to give him a passionate kiss. He quickly kissed me back with as fierce a desire as I held. I pulled away after a while, purely out of need for air, and took that moment to finally reply to his negative comment in a flirty manner, "Then we shouldn't be wasting our time together, should we?" I grinned mischievously.

He smiled back at me, and I was happy to see the familiar and comforting crooked grin appear. I gave him another kiss, before hopping out of bed to take a shower and get ready for the day. I assumed we were going to be spending the day at his house. Emmett had gleefully reminded him yesterday that they were still in need of a wrestling rematch. Edward had groaned goodheartedly, amused, but getting tired of their many wrestling rematches. Emmett was quick to remind him that if he would stop cheating, there wouldn't be a need for another wrestling match, and he had loudly hushed Edward when he attempted to explain it wasn't as simple as just turning off his mind reading ability. Emmett would have none of it. I smiled at the memory, loving how energetic and out-going Emmett always was. A big kid.

As I was finishing getting ready in my room later, I started to feel uneasy again. I wanted to ignore it, but something felt very wrong. It suddenly dawned on me that my dream felt less like a nightmare of something that had happened, and more like a premonition of things to come. I shuddered at the thought, having to take deep breaths to keep from defiling my carpet in front of Edward. He was at my side immediately, "Are you okay, Bella? Are you going to be sick?" I shook my head, blushing deeply at his words. "I'm fine, I swear. I just thought of something.. unpleasant. I'm okay now." It wasn't all that far from the truth. But the thought of Edward and Jacob fighting each other to the death was not merely unpleasant to me, it was absolutely horrifying. He sighed, sitting down on my bed. "You know it's not too late for me to excuse myself from the hunting trip, right?"

As soon as the words were out of his mouth, his phone vibrated on my table and he grabbed it. I had a guess about who it was…and my suspicions were confirmed as he read it and grimaced, then laughed and shook his head. "Alice?" I questioned. He nodded, "'You're wrong, Edward. It's too late. If you do bail, you'll be the one paying for the new table we have to buy when Emmett breaks our current one. Again. Now stop with your constant worrying! You're giving Jasper a headache all the way from there!'" I laughed when he read me the text. Alice always got her way. Edward was not getting out of this hunting trip. "She's right, you know." I told him, "I'll be fine. I'll be safe at Jacob's tomorrow," he stiffened at Jacob's name, so I hurried to continue "I mean, he can protect me if the need arises. And I'll only be there a few hours before I'm back with Alice, Rosalie, and Esme for the weekend." He stared at me a minute, something flitting across his face too fast for me to pick up exactly what it was. "I know."

There was a moment of silence between us before he spoke again, "Bella, is it really, completely, necessary to go to Jacobs tomorrow?" he asked, almost in a pleading manner for me not to go. I sat down on my bed next to him, "Yes, it is, Edward. I haven't seen him in too long. I promise you, I am safe with him. You can trust him - I do. Mostly, I want to spend some time with him before my change." I chanced a glance sideways at him, and could see he wasn't going to push this. I was grateful for it. He turned his head to look at me and slowly nodded. He placed his hands on my face and tenderly kissed me. With that, he rose from my bed and offered me his hand. "Are you ready to go?" I nodded and happily took his hand, rising and moving towards my door. I was grateful the awkwardness was over.

As we descended the stairs together, still holding hands, my intuition once again flickered in warning of danger. The problem is, I had no idea what that danger may be, and I felt ill when I thought of the unlimited possibilities of what could potentially be waiting for me. I decided with certainty, though, as we walked out the front door, that I would not let this ruin the rest of my time with Edward. Whatever it was, I'd figure it out eventually. After all, I did have 3 vampires and a werewolf watching out for me. Not much of anything could get through them. So for now, I decided it was time to go watch the happy-go-lucky Emmett turn childish, as he pouted about Edward cheating again. A smile quickly spread across my face. I could already hear him making Edward promise him a rematch. Emmett was possibly the most entertaining distraction I knew, and I was more thankful for that than usual today.


	2. Chapter 2

BPOV

It was just past 6:30 Friday morning, and Edward and I were laying in my bed, dragging out our goodbye. Emmett and Edward's wrestling had been even more amusing than I'd suspected it would be, and I'd almost forgotten my foreboding feelings entirely. Almost. Not enough to feel comfortable with Edwards departure, though.. Although truth be told, I doubted I would ever feel okay when Edward was gone for days at a time. He gave me a safety nobody else had ever come close to. I felt a part of myself missing when we weren't together. We laid there on our sides, contentedly staring into each others' eyes as Edward traced designs on the back of my hand with his finger. I smiled as he pulled my hand forward to give it a kiss. "They're waiting for me outside," he sighed. "I should probably go." As if to drive his statement home, I heard Emmett not so subtly, and very loudly, clear his throat below my window. We both grinned at that, as we sat up and he gathered me in a tight embrace. "I love you. Please be safe, and take care of my heart.." He pulled away from me and gave me one last kiss, laced with passion. "Bye, love." he whispered, and before I could blink, he was gone - the only evidence of his passing were my curtains gently swaying from the unnatural breeze. "I love you more" I whispered into my empty room, knowing full well he could still hear me outside.

It was now well past noon, and Alice had just dropped me off at the treaty line to hang out with Jacob. We had agreed on me meeting her back here at 5. It seemed fair enough to me - she hid it well, but I knew her leaving me with a young werewolf, while being blind to my future, caused her concern. But I wasn't worried. This was Jacob, my best friend who would protect me in every way possible. I knew I was safe. Jacob swooped me up into a too-tight hug, interrupting my thoughts and making me smile at his energetic attitude, even if it did take away my ease of breath. "Bella! I'm so happy you came to hang out today!" he nearly yelled as he set me back down. "What do you want to do?" His ecstatic energy was catching. "I'm glad I did too, Jake! I don't mind. Whatever you were doing before I got here is fine." He opened the passenger door of his car for me and nodded happily in reply to my words.

Fifteen minutes later found us settled in Jacob's garage, where he put all his effort into focusing on fixing his motorcycle. I didn't think anything was wrong with it, but when I asked him about it, he dove into an explanation far beyond my knowledge of anything motorized. I'll admit that I tuned him out after a while, though he didn't seem to notice. He continued to work away, and I was content to watch him and listen to the music softly playing on his radio. Being around Jake was always easy. There was never a need to fill the silences, or come up with something interesting to say. We talked a few times about random things; the girl Embry was falling for, the awkwardness of having Leah in the pack, even how he was doing in school. We eventually found ourselves immersed in our own thoughts, and neither tried to start much conversation with the other, though our silence was still far from awkward. That's just the way we were together.

I'd been at Jacob's for 3 hours when he finally let the wrench he'd been holding fall from his hands. The loud clang of it hitting the cement floor caused me to jump in surprise and look up at him questioningly. He was staring at me dead on, a new and unnerving fire in his eyes. He broke our comfortable silence with a very uncomfortable question, "When is the wedding, Bella?" My mouth fell open automatically, and it took me a minute to regain my composure enough to shut it. How did he know about this? I'd only gotten engaged days ago! Then it hit me - Billy. Of course. Charlie would have told him, and he would have relayed the message. I cast my eyes quickly to the floor, picking at the edge of my shirt. "Uh.. um.. we don't know yet, Jake. We've only decided on it being before my 19th birthday.." I nearly whispered. After a minute of silence, I risked a glance up at Jacob and noticed how much he was shaking. The longer nothing was said, the more his shaking increased. "Jake, I'm sorry. I was going to tell you.. I just haven't seen you, and I didn't want to ruin our time today.." My words must have pushed a button, because he immediately stood up, clenching his fists and seeming to bare his teeth. I froze. This was not my Jacob.

"Oh, well how convenient, _Bella_," he sneered my name, like it disgusted him to have to say it at all. I cringed. I had known he'd be angry, I had not expected a reaction of this magnitude. "You sicken me, Bella. All I ever offered you was a long and happy life with me, and you threw it all away. I love you, and you threw my heart back in my face!" he screamed, slowly taking a few steps towards me. I stood, knowing I needed to defuse the situation, and fast. He could phase at any moment and we would have major problems in this small garage. "Jacob, I'm sorry! I told you I didn't feel that way about you. I love you, but I'm not IN love with you. Edward is my life, Jacob, and I can't just ignore that. I'm sorry.. I never meant to hurt you.. Please calm down, Jake." I took a slight step backward, instinctually sensing the danger.

"Really? Is that so? You 'never meant to hurt' me, did you? Well then, maybe I should apologize. Because I am going to hurt you, Bella. But you know what? I'm not sorry. I'm not sorry at all. In fact, I'm glad. Because this is what was supposed to happen all along, you just never gave it a chance. And now, I finally get to show you how much I truly love you." He eyed me up and down, lust obvious in his face. "He may get to take you from me, but I get to take this from him AND you. And trust me that this will make me someone you ALWAYS remember. You won't ever forget me, Bella. Neither of you will." I was shocked. What was happening? Jacob would never hurt me, right? Or would he? Tears began to swell in my eyes as the extent of how much I may not have ever known Jacob hit me. How much was that lack of knowledge going to hurt me?

He took a few steps closer, and I turned and bolted for the door. I knew I'd be too slow, but knew I would hate myself for never even trying. I was right. I hadn't even taken 2 strides towards my escape before I felt his hand clamp down on my upper arm as he yanked me backwards so hard that I was amazed my shoulder wasn't dislocated. That act effectively dropped me to the ground though, and I cried out as I heard a crack from my head hitting the corner of something sharp. My vision swam with blackness for a moment, and then I could feel the sticky warmth on my head. Between my blood and Jacobs actions, I was already holding back vomit. I attempted to right myself and began crawling, hoping - praying - that he would show some mercy. My prayers were left unanswered, as he gripped my lower leg and pulled me towards him, his hand holding my leg with enough force that there was no doubt he would break it if he squeezed any tighter at all. He roughly flipped me over on my back and slid me all the way under his body, having me cowering under him like a beaten dog. I was shaking violently, knowing my fight against him was useless. Jacob was stronger than I would ever hope to be - as a human, at least - and I could not get out of this situation I had put myself in. Even Alice wouldn't see this, her visions blinded by his presence. There was no rescue coming for me this time, and the only one at fault was me.

"Jacob, p-please stop, don't do this. You don't want to do this, you c-can't hurt me, Jake..please" I pleaded with him, fearing there was no point, but remaining desperate enough to try. He laughed out loud at my pitiful attempts of deterring him, and leaned in closer to my face. "Look, Bella. I'm going to take what I want. What any guy only wants from you. Edward doesn't love you, you're just such an idiot you don't even realize it yet. He only wants your body. So now I'm going to take the only thing that keeps Edward with you. After this, he's only going to leave you again. You'll see.." His rant slowly faded as his eyes wandered down my body. Lust overtook the rage on his face, and his expression showed how eager he was to begin.

I was clinging to the hope that he could be talked out of this, and began pleading with him again. "Jake, please. Please. I trust you Jake, I'm so sorry, please don't hurt m-" I was stopped mid-sentence as his hand came crashing down on my face. I heard the sound of his strike before I felt it, but as soon as I felt it, it was a searing pain that knocked the breath out of me. It felt like I had been beaten with a pot straight off the stovetop. I put my hand to my face, crying. I was shocked when I withdrew my hand and found only a few patches of blood. It had felt like my skin had been torn off entirely.

Jacob grabbed my wrists in one of his hands and pinned them above my head, restraining me agonizingly tightly. He tore his own shirt off, before quickly clawing at mine, and eventually tearing it to shreds. He hastily unbuttoned my jeans and released my wrists to pull my pants down. He stopped to marvel at my body, and seeing a chance of escape in his distraction, I tried to get up and run. Before I could get anywhere near standing, he had thrown me back to the floor, snarling at me. "Where do you think you're going, exactly? Nobody is coming to help you, get over it and stop trying, you pathetic piece of shit!" his anger only made him rougher, and I now felt disgustingly exposed in only my bra and underwear. He gathered my wrists in one of his hands again as I wriggled beneath him, trying to cover myself as much as I could. As he tore off my bra and underwear, I panicked and began hyperventilating. I could barely see through the overwhelming panic, but managed to catch a glimpse of the smirk he cast at me. How had I ever trusted this person?

He leaned down, locking his mouth onto mine and forcing his tongue inside to explore my mouth. I closed my eyes, praying to be saved, but knowing I wouldn't be. I felt his hands groping my body, and wanted nothing more than to disappear into the hard and cold cement floor. This shouldn't be happening.. It couldn't be. And yet, it was. I felt Jacob slip his fingers inside of me, and pain shot through me as my body and mind vehemently rejected what he was doing. I groaned in pain and squirmed, trying to force myself back and away from him, with no luck at all. He continued kissing me, but removed his fingers from inside me. I was momentarily relieved, until I felt a different pressure, and realized he was positioning himself into me. His mouth stifled my scream as he thrust into me in two unbelievably hard shoves.

I felt something ripping inside me and could feel liquid seeping quickly down my legs. My pulse was pounding in my ears, but above everything else, I could hear a shrill and piercing scream that I soon recognized as mine. Jacob clamped his hand down on my mouth, and stared into my eyes with a look of satisfaction as he continued thrusting into me, sparing me no mercy at all as his fast and angry pace never slowed. The pressure of his weight on top of me, and the heat his body was releasing was unbearable, the combination of everything not helping my ragged and unsteady breathing. It felt like I was being crushed. I could almost hear my ribs crack as they barely held him on top of me. I felt myself becoming numb, physically and emotionally, and welcomed it. Anything over this. Anything. Why? I didn't understand. What did I do? Why was this happening to me? Why would Jacob want to hurt me so badly?

It felt like it lasted forever, as he turned and twisted me however it pleased him, using me however he wanted. I had never felt so humiliated, degraded, betrayed, and ashamed. I wanted to fight back more than I did, but I couldn't force more than the panicked struggle my dying mind could give every so often. I had wanted to live, for Edward. But the more he hurt me, the more I was praying he would kill me and end my pain now. Why prolong it? I didn't want to live with the memories that would undoubtedly haunt and hurt me. And in turn, they would hurt Edward because they hurt me. Maybe if I didn't tell him.. he wouldn't hurt? Maybe I could block this from my mind and wash it away? If I just could get clean again, things would be okay. Wouldn't they? My broken mind was dragging itself in circles, hopelessly mulling over anything that wasn't what was happening to me at this moment, clinging to any temporary distraction.

I didn't want to tell Edward mostly so I could save him from the pain of knowing. But a large part of me couldn't help but feel like he would hate me after this. Even I hated myself, now. How could he not? I had let Jacob take away the one thing that ever kept us on par with each other. I had nothing left to give him, and it was purely my fault. I knew it was, so he would know, too. All that was left of me now was an empty and broken shell of someone who once was. I was a ghost. No longer truly living, I was stuck barely existing between two worlds - the unbroken life I had led, and the shattered life I had been hurled in.

I could feel it already.

The emptiness.

And then the unending, unforgiving, darkness overtook me, and I was lost.


	3. Chapter 3

**BPOV**

I came back to consciousness sometime later, so sore I could hardly move any part of my body, and I could still feel the blood leaking from between my legs. I squeezed my eyes shut tight as that thought brought the most recent events back into my mind, vivid as ever. I opened my eyes again, afraid to see where Jacob was, still unsure if he would hurt me again. Slowly, very slowly, I eased myself up into a sitting position, and looked around. I was alone. I had no idea where Jacob had gone, but something told me to get myself out of here before he returned. Even though I was relieved he wasn't here, my heartbeat sped up at _not_ knowing where he was, or if he planned on returning to torture me some more. A bit too quickly I tried to stagger to my feet, and found the room spinning and my feet threatening to give way beneath me. I grasped a hold of some poles near me to get my balance back, and my vision evened out after a little bit. My legs, however, were another story. I wasn't positive I could walk forward a few steps without collapsing, let alone to the treaty line. I knew I'd have to find a way to, though. One look at the clock on the wall told me I needed to hurry things along. It was already 4:35, I had to be there by 5, and here I still was, stumbling around bloody and naked in Jacobs garage.

I let go of the poles slowly to test my stability, and found I was not yet on the ground, which I took as a good sign. I took a step forward…didn't fall. Good. I slowly bent down and put my underwear and bra back on, surprised both had fared alright. My pants and shoes were fine, too. My shirt on the other hand - not so much. Shredded. I couldn't even differentiate the arm holes from the holes Jacob had made in it. I knew I had left a shirt and a hoodie in Jacobs room once, months ago. They would still be there, I was sure, and I was going to have to go in and get them. But I was petrified. I knew Billy wasn't home.. But what if Jacob was in there? I swallowed back the panic that was starting to rise in me, and carefully made my way out of the garage and to the front door of the house. Taking a deep breath, I swung the door open and waited for any noises to warn me of someone in there. Nothing. Taking a step in, I peeked around. I couldn't see anyone. It sounded lifeless in here, so I walked as fast as I dared on my wobbly legs into Jacob's room, shakily ransacking through his stuff to find mine. Luck was on my side, as both the shirt and hoodie were next to each other and not that buried in his messy room. I put them both on as fast as I could, deeply grateful I had happened to leave a black hoodie, meaning it would hide the dirt and blood well.

I had wiped the blood off as much of my body as possible, and made sure to pull the hoodie up to cover as much of my face as it would before I headed to the treaty line. I was fairly certain that between me being covered from head to toe in clothing, and the weather being dark and dreary out, that even Alice wouldn't be able to see the damage done. I knew there was no doubt she would smell the blood, though, and I was thinking up excuses to give her the whole walk there. Each one somehow sounding dumber and less likely to have happened than the last. "_God, you're such an idiot" _I yelled at myself under my breath. How could I have let this happen? How was I ever going to pretend to be ok? I had maybe 5 minutes to get myself together enough to look semi-normal, before I reached the treaty line and was met with a vampire who would be extremely suspicious of everything. As much as I dreaded seeing Alice, knowing she would immediately be pressing for answers and disbelieving of everything I told her, I almost cried just thinking of being near her. Someone who cared. Someone who would truly never hurt me. My small but fierce vampire sister. I loved her and couldn't help but wish more than anything that she could have seen this afternoon, and saved me.

A few tears escaped at these thoughts, so I quickly wiped them away and distracted myself by counting my footsteps instead. I looked up when I got to 137, and saw Alice not far up ahead, nearly bouncing out of her skin. I wanted desperately to run to her and wrap my arms around her in as tight a hug as I could manage, and not let go for a long time. For a few seconds, I planned on doing just that - minus the running. I saw her freeze up ahead, and couldn't help but smile a little, knowing she would be 'seeing' me hugging her like that. The vision ended and she looked at me more directly, and I could tell even from the distance that she was slightly confused, but more than welcoming of the loving gesture she had seen. I decided against it though, afraid she would pick up on other things if we were that close to each other. She froze again, obviously seeing the change, and then unfroze, frowning and looking slightly disappointed.

"Bella! Whe-" Alice's expression suddenly changed, and I recognized the look in her eyes. She smelt my blood. "Bella! You're bleeding! What happened? Are you okay? Do you need to go to the hospital? Where's Jac-" she was frantic, her words tumbling out almost as one. "I'm fine, Alice. I tripped in Jacob's garage and hit my head kind of hard. It was bleeding, but I'm okay. No hospitals necessary. Jacob got caught up doing.. Wolf stuff, I guess." I reassured her, hoping it would be enough. "Are you sure, Bella? It smells like more blood than just a cut on your head." She frowned, unconvinced, at me. I kept my head tipped down, using the hood to my full advantage. "It's fine, I swear. Head wounds just.. Bleed a lot. Trust me, I would know. Now can we just go home? My house first, please. I want to shower." I walked around to the passenger seat and climbed in, not giving her time to respond.

She eyed me warily the entire ride to my house, like it was possible I may just disappear into thin air. If only I could get that lucky.. Neither of us spoke a word until we reached my house. "I'll wait for you out here, Bella. Take your time." she said, a surprising seriousness in her voice. "Thanks, Alice. Really." I said back before climbing out and trying to hurry into my house. I had a feeling Alice would be carefully watching my future, and was keeping that in mind as much as possible, but I still couldn't help the sobs that slipped from my mouth once I had stepped in the shower. I looked hideous. I _was_ hideous. He had made me that way, and I wasn't sure I could ever get it off of me. I paid careful attention to not focus too much on any one part of my body, afraid Alice may see my bruise-riddled and battered body through my eyes. I still took special care to scrub my body as raw as I could get it. I was desperate to wash him off of me, and it just wasn't working. Even when I had drawn blood on myself in a few places from scrubbing so hard, it still wasn't enough.

It would never be enough, I realized, as I sunk down into a sitting position and cried. I sat there for a long while, curled into a fetal position and crying, eventually just sitting there staring at the shower drain, wishing I could become small enough to slide down it and disappear. I berated myself for doing such a shitty job at hiding this from Alice, I was positive she would have seen my little meltdown just then. Frustrated, I got out of the shower and dried myself off, throwing my hair up into a messy bun and putting on sweats, a shirt and another hoodie. I tried using cover up on my cheek, and to my surprise and happiness, it worked pretty well. Once I was finally content with what I looked like, or rather, with what my vampire family would see, I headed back downstairs and out the door. Alice was still there, waiting patiently, of course. I climbed into the passenger seat and thanked her once again.

She stared at me studiously for a minute, reminding me of when Jacob had stared at me so quietly, and it made me want to curl into a ball and rock myself. "What happened to your cheek, Bella?" she asked. My hand flew to my face immediately. I was POSITIVE I had covered it well enough not to be of any interest. Could she really see it that well through the makeup? "Don't deny it. I saw you covering it up in the mirror," she explained, obviously foreseeing my denial. "Now what happened? Bella, if Jacob hurt you, please tell me.." I shook my head firmly. "Alice, it was nothing. I swear. It's no big deal, please just leave it alone." Sadness passed through her eyes before she returned to her quiet and thoughtful state, and pulled out of my driveway to take us back to her home. She eyed me just as much, if not more, than she did on the way to my house.

I had a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that this was going to be extremely difficult to keep from her. Damn her and her abilities! I just wanted to forget and move on like nothing had ever happened. But I was beginning to see that that wasn't going to happen as easily as I had hoped for… if it even happened at all.


	4. Chapter 4

**I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has already favorited, reviewed, or added this to their story alert subscription. I truly appreciate each of you! I'm mostly doing this for myself - I find it a little healing, projecting things I have felt/gone through onto someone else, and fixing their problems. I've realized I can only write about things I know(of course I can veer off the path of those things, though). Anyway, I would have already had more chapter up except my internet went out early Saturday morning and we just got it up today. I already have a few chapters written up, though, and here is one of them! Please continue reviewing, it means the world to me!**

**BPOV**

Pulling up to the Cullen's house, Alice broke the tense silence we'd maintained during the drive. "What do you want to do tonight, Bella?" She asked in a light and quiet way that was very unusual of Alice. It seemed as if she was having to force it to sound light, instead of her typical bubbly way of being. I immediately felt terrible for worrying her and making her feel this way, but I couldn't tell her. She would tell Edward, and then my plan of things going back to normal would be officially off. "Actually, I was kind of thinking I just wanted to go lay down…" the guilt of bringing her mood down leaked unpleasantly into my voice. She nodded slightly, but didn't give me a response. Apparently she had suspected I'd say something along the lines of that.

After saying hello to Rosalie and Esme in the living room, I made me way to Edward's bedroom as quickly as possible and curled up on his bed. As much as I was hoping sleep would find me, it didn't. Instead, the memories did. I allowed my mind to drift, in hopes that by not focusing directly on what I was thinking, I could find the same unconscious numbness that had comforted me while I was locked in Jacob's clutches. It worked slightly, but not enough I realized as a knock at the door made me leap up painfully and gasp. I felt like an idiot when Esme opened the door, apologizing for having scared me. My heart was still racing and I wiped away a few stray tears that had apparently been falling during my search for unconsciousness. "I was just wondering if you would like me to make you some dinner, Bella. It's already past 8.." she explained, watching me with a worried expression. "Are you alright, sweetheart?" she took a hesitant step closer, clearly unsure of what to do to help. "I'm okay. I'm sorry, I was just drifting to sleep and I guess you startled me. I'm not really hungry tonight actually, don't worry about me. Thank you though, Esme." I assured her in what I hoped was a steady voice. "Alright then. You just call for any of us if you need anything, Bella." she said sweetly as she turned around and left, quietly shutting the door behind her.

I wasn't sure how much time had passed since Esme had come into the room, but my complete exhaustion eventually allowed me to fall into an uneasy and fitful sleep. I jolted awake at midnight, gasping for air, sweating, and trembling from having had to relive my moments of terror in my sleep. There were wet tear stains on my face and I silently cursed my nightmare, hoping I hadn't said anything incriminating in my sleep that the vampires downstairs would have easily heard. Seeing as how they weren't up here, though, I was more worried with the fact that I felt hideous and disgusting again and was desperate to take a shower. Still shaking, I crawled out of the bed and walked as quietly as I could to the bathroom, pointlessly locking the door behind me. I got undressed, trying as hard as possible not to look at myself, and stepped into the shower, turning the water on as hot as it would go. Even though at first it sickened me, reminding me of Jacob's hot skin pressing against me, I felt I had to have it on that hot to truly be able to get clean. The hotter the water, the cleaner things got. All except me, I unfortunately learned. 45 minutes later and I still felt like a walking disease.

I gave up and shut off the water, the exhaustion overwhelming me again. I changed into another ensemble of sweats, a shirt and hoodie. My last outfit seemed unclean already. It had been touching my skin, after all, and I was disgusting. I was able to hold back the tears that threatened to spill on my way back to the bed, but tried without success to get my mind on other things. Sleep claimed me not long afterwards, anyway. Though it still wasn't peaceful, I was thankful that at least the memories didn't invade me this time.

**APOV**

I was really uncertain what to make of this situation with Bella. All I knew was that something was horribly wrong, and I was absolutely positive it had to do with whatever had gone on when she was with Jacob this afternoon. She had been fine when I dropped her off, and returned to me less than 5 hours later looking like a haunted zombie. The way she was acting… I wished she would just tell me what happened. We were sisters, she could tell me anything and she knew that, but she was unwilling to budge on this. She had given me a lame excuse of having fallen in Jacob's garage, but I didn't believe that for a split second. Yes, Bella tripped and fell - a lot. But her falls never made her act like THIS. She had insisted on taking a shower before getting to my house, as if she couldn't even wait the extra 5 minutes from her house to mine to do that. And then she had gone and holed herself up in Edward's room the rest of the evening. I had smelled her tears, and kept a close watch on the decisions she was making, just to be safe. But even I didn't expect her to have such an overreaction to Esme simply knocking on the door. She'd had nightmares once she'd fallen asleep. I was hoping to find out more information through her sleep talking, but for once she'd barely spoken, mostly just whimpering and crying. The only word she'd said a few times was "why?"

It was frustrating, to say the least. Most troubling to me was when she woke up from her nightmare and got in the shower for 45 minutes. It seemed like a reaction to whatever she'd dreamt, but I couldn't be completely sure. All I was sure of was that this was all connected, and that Jacob was to blame for whatever the root cause of it was. He had to have lost control around her. I knew he had hit her, I'd seen her cheek. It was painful just to look at. My sensitive sight could clearly make out a hand shape to the bruising, and it made me absolutely irate to know he had hurt her like that. And I was sad for her. He was her best friend, it would have been unbelievably hurtful - physically and emotionally - to her when he had hit her. Him hitting her was as far as I had gotten, but judging by her behavior, I knew there was more to it. I _would_ get to the bottom of this, and soon. Whatever it was, it was obviously upsetting her, and she needed to talk about it. It was nearing 8am and I could tell by the shift in her breathing that she had woken up, so I focused my attention onto finding a plan that would get her to talk to me.

**BPOV**

I laid in bed for quite a while after waking up, feeling unsure of how well I would do at acting like things were okay today. I'd done a terrible job yesterday and had some serious making up to do. Sighing, I swung my legs over the bed to get out and immediately regretted the action, having to clench my jaw to keep from yelling out. I was even more sore than yesterday, and if I didn't know exactly what had happened, I would've sworn I'd been run over by a semi. Once I regained my composure, I carefully got dressed in the most comfortable pair of jeans I owned, and a soft navy blue long sleeved shirt I'd gotten not long ago from Hollister. I put more cover up on my cheek, and decided to put a light amount of makeup on to make myself look less like the living dead. My train of thought abruptly stopped there, briefly considering the irony of my thinking I looked like a living dead person, considering there were 3 of those downstairs. Unfortunately, my living-dead person look was not nearly as beautiful as theirs.

By 9:30, I'd pulled every reserve of courage I had and left Edward's room to go socialize with the rest of the Cullen's. Slowly making my way downstairs, I saw Rosalie and Alice were in the living room. Rosalie was watching something about cars on TV, and Alice was flipping through a fashion magazine. I carefully made my way over to Alice on the couch, and sat down next to her, pulling my knees to my chest and trying to let the show that was on grab my attention. "Good morning, Bella!" Alice chirped, and I was glad to hear her sound back to her usual self. "Morning, Alice, and Rosalie." I shot them both a weak smile. Rosalie smiled reassuringly at me before turning her attention back to the TV. Her friendly smile caught me off guard, but I didn't have too much time to think about it before it hit me that there was a Cullen missing in action. "Where's Esme?" I asked, looking around. "She's out back, messing around in her garden" Rosalie answered, not taking her eyes of the television set. I should've guessed at that.. Esme absolutely loved tending to her garden. I believe she loved anything she could mother, and the thought made me smile.

"So, Bella. I was thinking we could go shopping today, in Port Angeles! I'm in desperate need of some high heels. What do you think?" Alice piped up randomly, her enthusiasm not surprising me in the least. That girl loved her shopping. Rosalie rolled her eyes, and just as I opened my mouth to respond, Alice was talking again. "I know, I know. You hate playing Barbie. Don't worry about it, you don't have to try anything on.. But will you please come to keep me company?" she had an unusual twinge of softness to her voice still, I noticed. I figured it was leftover from my behavior yesterday, and saw this as a chance to make things better. "Sure, Alice. That sounds like fun, of course I'll go with you. When did you want to leave?" I gave her the most encouraging smile I could muster, but still doubted it's worth. "Right now, if that's okay. I'll just go grab my keys from upstairs." she was halfway up the stairs before I could respond. "Ok. I'll be out there, then." I told her as I carefully got off the couch and headed towards the front door. Before I reached the door, Alice was already by my side, cheerfully guiding the way.

I lowered myself into her car, grimacing at the pain that shot through my body from the move. I quickly smoothed my expression out, hoping Alice hadn't caught it. I shot a quick glance at her, and could tell by her own grimace that she had. I sighed as I shut the door, ready to settle in for the long drive. It suddenly dawned on me that she hadn't even started the car, and I looked over at her questioningly. She was unmoving, sitting slightly diagonally in her seat to watch me, making no attempt at turning the car on. She looked sad, but serious, and a sudden wave of fear flooded through me. Just as I turned to reach for the door handle to escape, I heard the locks click down. I stared at the dashboard, my heart beating wildly and fear coursing through my veins. Alice wouldn't hurt me, right? She's my sister. She wouldn't do that. So what was she doing? I knew it was completely pointless to even try and unlock the door and open it before she was able to relock it. She would see every move I made before I made it. I started shaking, knowing I was trapped here. As much as I wanted to ask her what was going on, I was terrified of looking over and seeing in her eyes, what I had seen in Jacob's.

Finally, she spoke. "Bella, we need to talk. You need to tell me what's going on." her voice was unwavering, but gentle. But the panic had my vision spinning, and I could barely concentrate on what she meant before images of Jacob's attack on me began to cloud my vision altogether. I shook my head, grabbing it with my hands and groaning. "Bella? Are you okay?" I felt Alice's cold fingers gently touch my arm, and her contact made me jump and scream. My heart took on an even faster pace as I whipped my head toward her, knowing and recognizing her as safe, but in my mind, this situation was not. I saw only a threat when I took in her presence with me, trapped in this car. Suddenly, I was screaming.


	5. Chapter 5

**BPOV**

"BELLA!" Alice yelled, shock in her voice. But I couldn't stop. She was going to hurt me, I just knew it. Why else would she lock me in this small space with her? Why did everyone want to hurt me? First Jacob, now her. I lurched forward in a panicked attempt at escape, but my seatbelt locked in place from my rapid movement and set off another round of sobs from me. I was never going to get out of here. I pulled my knees to my chest and wrapped my arms around them, instead. I laid my forehead on my knees as I began the torture of reliving what Jacob had done.

"PLEASE!" I screeched "Please don't! Don't hurt me. I'm sorry! Please!" I pleaded. "Jacob! Please stop! You're hurting me. Please don't touch me" From somewhere in the background, I could here a wild voice calling my name and trying to calm me, but I couldn't control myself anymore. All I saw was Jacob now. "Please stop. Don't! I'm sorry. So sorry…Please stop, Jacob." I could feel his hands on my body, him pushing himself into me. I knew I was too late again, and I screamed once more before brokenly whispering "Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop" repeatedly. I was semi-aware of the car door opening, and a brief conversation between Rosalie and Alice of what had happened. Suddenly a pair of cold hands were lifting me up, and I screamed, the sound hurting my own ears as sobs ripped from my chest again. I shoved against and violently swung at whoever was holding me, screaming for them to please let me go and not hurt me. "Bella, calm down, please, it's okay. You're okay. Nobody is going to hurt you, I promise. Open your eyes, Bella, you're safe." a tortured Rosalie reassured me as I was set down onto something soft.

I curled back up with my knees on my chest, my head on my knees, and continued crying. The tears an unending ocean of my pain. The sobs that had wracked my body became less and less as time went on, and I slowly began to become aware that I wasn't being hurt. I felt the back of the couch against my back, and felt safer knowing I was protected from anyone behind me. When the sobs stopped altogether, quiet tears continued steadily falling, and I refused to open my eyes. I was afraid of what may be there. I could here whispering, but couldn't find it in me to care enough to listen. "Bella? Please open your eyes… it's only me and Rosalie here, okay?" Alice spoke softly, and something about her gentle voice instantly made me feel safer. I hesitantly blinked a few times, before lifting my head off my knees and opening my eyes completely. I was staring at the faces of two very saddened vampires, who shot a glance at each other before looking at me again. I was thankful they kept their distance, and slowly lowered my stiff legs, easing them into a cross-legged position.

"I'm..I'm.. sorry, Alice.." I whispered, ashamed. "Oh, Bella.. You have nothing to be sorry for. I had no idea that would happen or I never would have done it. I'm so sorry! I just wanted to help you with whatever was going on…I didn't know.." she took a step towards me, looking like she was going to hug me, and then thought better of it and stayed put. I didn't know if I could fix what I had just done, but I felt it was necessary to try. "No, it's not your fault. I don't know what came over me. It was nothing though, it didn't mean anything. Um, I guess you just surprised me…?.." My words came out in a questioning manner, and I silently cursed myself for it. Their faces held nothing but sadness, and as Rosalie and Alice stared pointedly at each other, I was nearly positive I had screwed myself over. Rosalie took a step towards me, pausing briefly before closing the distance and sitting beside me - but facing me - on the couch. I was glad she was sitting far enough apart that we didn't touch. I wasn't quite ready for that yet.

She took a deep, ragged breath before talking. "Bella?" her voice was unsteady and shaky, something I had never heard from Rosalie. I turned my head to look at her. "did Jacob… rape you?" she barely got the words out through her gritted teeth. I immediately dropped my gaze, horrified they'd already come to that conclusion. I didn't know what to say, so decided not to say anything at all, staying focused on the floor. I hardly noticed when the traitor tears began escaping. "Bella," Alice gently pushed "please answer us.." I was right, hiding this any longer was a lost cause. My breakdown was too intense, and Rosalie knew too much about this from her own experience. I allowed my tears a faster pace as they cascaded down my face, and I minutely nodded my head. I knew they would see it. Rosalie went unnaturally still, and for a split second I thought Alice's legs were going to give out on her.

"Bella, god, I'm so sorry. I didn't think it would be something like that at first.. Are you okay? I mean, physically? Oh god! You need to see a doctor!" Alice was rushing her words. "No!" I yelled, panicked at the thought of being looked over "I.. no. I don't want to see anyone. I'm fine.. I'll be okay." Alice looked at me uncertainly, clearly in favor of having me see a doctor. Rosalie, I noticed distractedly, still hadn't moved. "So..um.. can we just keep this between just us?" I pleaded quietly. "Bella!" Rosalie and Alice said loudly in unison. I cringed. I had had a feeling this wouldn't work. "Bella, we could never keep this from Edward. He'd catch it in our thoughts eventually anyway, remember?" She softly reminded me. I closed my eyes and kept quiet for a while.

"Does Esme know?" I whispered. "Yes.. She's upstairs. She came in when she heard the commotion with you in the car, and we had her leave when you woke up. You would have reacted badly with too many of us near you." Alice said sadly. I nodded, understanding. "You can come down, Esme. You three don't upset me with your presence.." I spoke in a normal tone, knowing she'd hear me even if I whispered. In seconds, she was in front of me. "Oh, dear, I am so sorry this has happened." concern was overwhelming in her voice, and it made me want to break out into sobs again just from her kindness, but I swallowed them back. "It's okay, Esme. Um, can I please go to Edward's room for a while?" I asked, just as my stomach began rumbling, taking me by surprise. "Of course you can, Bella" Alice assured me as Esme cut in "I'll make you some breakfast and bring it up, alright?" I nodded my appreciation as I stood up to head upstairs, feeling incapable of too many words right now.

Alice's arms had lifted me up into the air before I knew what had happened. I looked quizzically at her. "Your legs weren't going to hold you up any longer." she explained with a weak smile. Before Alice could take a step forward, Rosalie spoke up. "I'll take her upstairs.. If that's okay with you, Bella?" she asked almost hesitantly. "Yeah, Rose, that's fine" I appreciated her asking my permission. I hadn't had much say in anything lately, and it felt nice to have some control, as little as it was. Rosalie smiled at me as she took me from Alice's arms and ran me upstairs, gently setting me down on Edward's bed. I thanked her as she turned to head for the door, and she paused, turning back around. "Bella. I know I haven't been the most…welcoming. But I want you to know that I do love you like a sister, and have considered you family for a long time. I want you to know that I understand what you're going through, and if you need anything at all, please let me know. I am always here to talk." she gave me a quick nervous smile. "Um.. Wow, Rosalie. Thank you. I really appreciate it.." I felt speechless, unaware that Rosalie had ever even debated considering me apart of her family. "I'll go get your breakfast" she said as she turned towards the door and left.

Seconds later, Rose was back in my room with scrambled eggs, toast, and bacon. "Thank you so much. And thank you, Esme" I called out. I hadn't even realized I was hungry until my stomach had growled downstairs. I hadn't eaten since before going to _his_ house yesterday. I quickly ate everything, still amazed that someone who didn't eat food could cook better than I ever had. feeling full and emotionally worn out, I dozed off for a while, another black restless dream - but no nightmares, for which I was beyond thankful.

I woke up around 2pm, unsure how long I had actually slept, but at least aware I shouldn't be sleeping anymore. I carefully shifted myself out of bed, groaning from the pain my movements caused me. Immediately Alice was in front of me, worry in her eyes "Are you alright, Bella? Is there anything I can do? Do you need any help?" I jumped, startled at her sudden appearance. She apologized, but still looked concerned. "I can still smell your blood, Bella." she stated unhappily. Tears stained my eyes, knowing where the blood was coming from. "I know, Alice. Can you please stop reminding me?" She sighed and sat next to me on the bed. "I'm not trying to remind you, Bella, but if you're still bleeding, something could be really wrong. I just want to make sure you're okay. Carlisle and the others will be home tonight, instead of tomorrow. I guess we can deal with this then.." she glanced up at me, seemingly unsure how I'd react to them coming home early. Truthfully, I had expected that, and even though it made me nervous, I wasn't surprised. "I know, Alice. And you are right, we'll deal with this later. I'd like to join you guys downstairs, if that's okay. I don't really like being up here alone.." as pathetic as it was, I was honestly afraid of being alone. "Would you like help downstairs?" Alice offered. "If it's not too much trouble..?" I felt like such a burden. "Oh, Bella, hush. It's never too much trouble!" Alice smiled as she stood up and scooped me into her arms before taking off downstairs.

I was sitting comfortably on the couch between Rosalie and Alice, Esme sitting in a recliner next to the couch as we all watched a movie we had decided on together - Fried Green Tomatoes. It was odd, though. I hadn't spent time like this with Rosalie before. It was going to take some getting used to, but I was getting used to it pretty fast. I could sense our pain now linked us together in a new and different sort of bond, and was positive Rosalie would murder someone before they got through her to me. She had definitely stepped up into the big, protective sister role. Between the three of them, I felt the most protected I had since _it_ happened, and welcomed that feeling. The wind picked up outside then, causing an eerie creaking of the house that made me shiver, and I almost jumped off the couch when a sudden screaming pierced the quiet house. A deep blush rose to my face as I realized too late that it had been on the movie. "**Nobody** is going to get through us to you, Bella. I promise." Alice whispered quietly into my ear. "I know" I croaked back, annoyed with my hoarse voice. I laid my head sideways on Alice's cool shoulder, wondering idly when Edward would be home. His name made me stomach roll, and I debated asking Alice when they'd be back, so I could be prepared. "2 hours" she whispered to me, having foreseen my question. "Thanks.." I managed to get out, feeling slightly sick knowing that it was not all that far away.

I was terrified about telling Edward. How was he ever going to want me after tonight? How could he want someone as broken as me?

I knew the answer to that.

He wouldn't.

Nobody ever would.

Nobody ever _could_.

**A/N: Next - the rest of the family returns, Edward is told about Bella's rape, Carlisle examines Bella (what will he find?)… possibly some other stuff =) Not sure at the moment, I haven't gotten that chapter written yet! Will more than likely have the next chapter up tomorrow, though! Reviews are love. It really inspires me to see you guys getting so animated with the story. Hope you are all doing well!**


	6. Chapter 6

**EPOV**

I had no idea what was going on, and if it were possible for a vampire to go insane, I would be by now. Alice had called earlier, refusing to tell me anything more than that something had happened with Bella, and even though she was safe now, we all needed to get home as quickly as we could. Okay, granted… She may have said more if I'd allowed it, but I'd crushed the phone in my hand as soon as the words were out of her mouth, and I was running before I could fully explain anything to Jasper, Emmett, and Carlisle. I had never run so fast in my life, pushing myself harder and harder. I had almost completely lost my father and brothers by now, but I didn't care. Something was wrong, and I needed to get there - **now**. I didn't realize I'd been holding my unnecessary breath until I released a gust of air when our house came into sight. Alice had obviously warned the others of my arrival, seeing as how Rosalie was slowly listing off every part of her BMW, Esme was recounting every piece of furniture her sons had ever broken, and Alice was repeatedly going through the military's phonetic alphabet backwards. Their purposefully distracted thoughts worried me further, but I was relieved to hear Bella's slow - though steady - heartbeat upstairs. She was asleep. That had to be a good sign, right?

Regardless, I was still worried sick and had to see her and find out what had happened, to truly feel alright. I rushed past my other family members, not bothering with polite hellos. Arriving in my room in no time, I found a sleeping Bella in my bed. I should have felt much better, but the sight of her set my nerves on edge. Even asleep, she looked.. so troubled. She wasn't dreaming, it appeared she hadn't yet fallen into the REM stage of sleep. Yet, she still looked different. Even without Jasper's ability, an aura of distress was easily detectable around her. I knelt in front of her, my hand reaching out to brush her hair out of her face, when my hand was suddenly in the grips of Alice's. Her eyes were wide, and I saw the vision she'd had of Bella screaming and throwing herself back against my wall if I had done so. My eyes had to be as wide as Alice's by now. What was this about? What was going on that I didn't know about?" Alice pulled on my hand, trying to pull me out of the room with her. I followed her hesitantly.

Once we were out of the room, she started whispering. "She fell asleep about a half an hour ago, while we were watching a movie in the living room. I took her upstairs after a while so she'd be more comfortable. I think you should let her rest for a while, Edward.." I was beginning to get extremely frustrated. Why would nobody tell me what was going on? "Alice, WHAT was that vision about? Why is she so afraid?" She just shook her head at me. "I can't tell you, Edward. Bella needs to talk to you. But right now you need to be patient and let her rest. She's been having a rough time.." I knew she was right, but couldn't help the growl that rose in my chest. All I wanted to do was help her, and waiting for her to wake up made me feel helpless. But of course Alice was right. She needed to rest. I gave her a short nod and sat down outside my bedroom door. If Bella would've reacted like that to me just from that simple gesture, I decided it'd be best for her not to wake up to me directly in her face. I'd wait out here until I was sure she was awake and aware. Thank god I had over a century of practicing patience, or else I may not have been able to get through this.

Alice left me alone upstairs to go downstairs and reunite with Jasper. I knew it wasn't fair to them, but all the loving thoughts from downstairs were making me sick. They all got to enjoy the company of their loved ones, and I had to sit and ponder over the many possibilities of what could be wrong with mine. It felt very human of me to be thinking this, but - it just didn't seem fair. Not only to me, mostly to Bella. Why was she such a danger magnet? Would she remain that way, even when she was changed? I had no idea. She never failed to surprise me, so I had no clue what to expect from vampire-Bella. Taking a deep, calming breath, I closed my eyes and settled back against the door, prepared to wait as long as Bella needed.

**BPOV**

The last thing I remembered was laying my head on Alice's shoulder, and now suddenly she was crouched in front of me, whispering at me to wake up. It was extremely disorienting. "Huh?" I said, still trying to clear the sleepy fog from my head. "You were starting to have some bad dreams, I.. decided to wake you up before they took hold" she explained solemnly. "Oh…um, thanks. What time is it?" as my awareness returned, I was suddenly struck sickeningly with the fact that Edward should be home by now. My heart sped up, and as I opened my mouth to ask, Alice cut me off. "It's just past 11 at night, and yes, Edward is home." I longed to see Edward again, but was terrified at the same time. I knew I had to tell him at some point, and it was going to end up being sooner rather than later. "Where is he? I want to see him.." I trailed off, not being able to finish much more before Edward was stepping into the room and slowly making his way towards me.

"Bella." he breathed, sounding slightly relieved and shocked. I relaxed at the sight of him, an honest smile taking hold of my face. I was up and out of the bed before I realized what I was doing, throwing my arms around him and inhaling his intoxicating scent. He cautiously wrapped his arms around me, looser than most times, but I was thankful for it right now. God, how was I ever going to survive without him? Tears slowly began to fall the longer I held on to him, and more and more I did not want to tell him. I was debating going against Alice, and just refusing to tell him what had happened. Wouldn't it be better that way, for both of us? "Bella…don't do this. Remember what we talked about..?" Alice cautioned. I knew she was right. Especially now. He'd never believe my lies over his families overwhelming amount of evidence against me.

I pulled back from him and went back over to the bed, sitting down. He followed me over, sitting down on the floor in front of me. His wide eyes were pleading with me for answers, but staying true to himself, he let me move at my own pace. My pace was despairingly slow. Minutes passed without a word between us, and all I could express to him were tears. Alice asked me once if I'd like her to leave, and I nearly yelled at her not to leave, not quite realizing how much the thought of being alone with a man panicked me. Whether it was Edward or not, he was still a guy. I had thought Jacob wouldn't hurt me, either, and I had been horribly wrong. I knew Edward was nothing like Jacob, but.. The wary part of me couldn't abandon my distrust. Knowing I was slightly afraid of Edward was killing me, and it was then that I realized just how much more Edward deserved. It wasn't even that he wouldn't want me anymore once I told him - it was that he shouldn't even have to have me around. He deserved more than I could ever give him - especially now, when I had nothing to give even to myself.

Even having known this talk was coming, it was one of the hardest things I've done. We needed to get this out in the open and out of way, so he could move on. I couldn't expect to have a few days with him before telling him. After all, he was called home early because something was wrong with me. I couldn't expect him not to want answers, and he deserved them. Plus, the likelihood his family could block their thoughts for that length of time without anything slipping through.. It just wasn't going to happen. "The only ones in the house are Carlisle, Edward and me, Bella," Alice prompted. "The others left to give you some privacy. We thought it was for the best." This knowledge made what I was going to have to do, a little bit easier. Of course they would find out when they returned, but at least I wouldn't have those extra ears to listen in on this right now. I drew in a shaky, ragged breath, and began.

I was able to get to the part of Jacob finding out about the wedding and how angry he was, before I was too upset to continue. I was shaking, crying and felt dangerously close to throwing up now. Looking into Edward's pained eyes; I knew he now understood that Jacob had hurt me in some way. It was a war within me, knowing that at least right now he didn't understand how badly Jacob had hurt me. I knew not even Edward had thought Jacob capable of this, or he would have done anything to always keep me from him. After taking a few minutes to regroup, I tried to push on. "He… he… Jacob… he.." was all I got out before I put my head in my hands and began crying harder. This was useless; I was never going to get this out. I couldn't! By now, Alice was sitting beside me on the bed, her arm around my shoulder. I could see the hint of frustration in Edward's eyes, certain he was longing to be in Alice's position beside me, but I couldn't bring myself to ask them to switch. I felt much less threatened by her than him. I couldn't change that, as much as I wanted to.

I lifted my head and looked towards Alice, pleading her with my eyes to do my dirty work. It was too early, too soon. Saying it would make it too real, and I couldn't handle that right now. Not yet. She gave me an understanding hug "It's okay, Bella. Are you sure?" she whispered into my ear. "Please." was all I could mutter. She sat up straighter, and the movement of her putting herself slightly between myself and Edward wasn't lost by me. She couldn't see how he would react yet, but we both knew he would be beyond irate. He wouldn't purposefully hurt me, but his anger would be to a magnitude none of us could control - including him. I was in a bit of a dangerous place, and I was grateful to her for keeping that in mind. As she sighed, I closed my eyes in hopes of disappearing, knowing the words were coming. "Edward.." She paused, seeming to gauge his mood "Jacob raped Bella."

The world seemed to slow down for a moment in time, none of us breathing, each of us temporarily paralyzed. Mere seconds had passed, but it felt like an entire eternity had slowly ticked by before us. Before I could fully open my eyes, a deafening crash rocked the room. My startled scream vied with the massive shattering sound that emanated from somewhere in the enclosed space, and I felt cool hands lifting me as I squeezed my eyes shut, now afraid to open them. The edges of my consciousness were blurred and fading when I heard a scared voice call for me. It briefly crossed my mind that I should respond to them, but I gladly welcomed the numbing darkness that pulled me under, quickly leaving my fear behind with the sounds of disaster.


	7. Chapter 7

**EPOV**

I could barely contain the shock I felt when I saw Bella awake. My beautiful, radiant, Bella, looked as if she were slowly dying from a terminal illness. Her face held the same gaunt appearance. But most shocking were her eyes. They looked.. Dead. There was no life in them, at all. I could barely believe that those murky, muddy water brown eyes on her face were once the warm, welcoming, deep chocolate eyes that I loved so. A small part of my heart soared when she looked towards me, seeing me for the first time, and I saw a flash of the Bella I knew in those eyes. It was gone after a few minutes, but it was enough for me to know that whatever had happened, had not killed the Bella I knew. That I was sure of.

I had suspected the mutt was to blame for whatever had happened, but I knew how Bella felt about him and was trying to reserve my judgement. Once she began to explain what'd happened to her, though, and I knew for sure he was at fault - I already wanted to kill him. He had made the love of my existence cry; he had hurt her somehow; even though I didn't know what he'd done yet - I was certain that the worthless dog needed to pay for this. At first the anger threatened to overtake me - I wanted to leave the house now and rearrange Jacob's face many times over. But I knew Bella needed me, and all that had to matter right now was taking care of her. I would unleash myself on the dog later. Bella was first. Bella would always, _always_, be first.

My heart broke for her a thousand times over during the conversation. She couldn't get her words out without obvious effort, and even then she still ended up breaking down and couldn't continue. I longed to put an end to her tears; her pain. The quick exchange between her and Alice unnerved me.. Why couldn't she tell me? A sickening feeling was spreading through my body as Alice inched herself slightly between us, and continued to block her thoughts from me. She finally looked at me square in the eye, saying my name and then very obviously making one last check of all my emotions, before she just let the words fall out of her mouth. "Jacob raped Bella."

Frozen. That is all I was. I couldn't move; could barely think. I didn't see this.. I never saw this coming… she simply couldn't be serious. Alice stood up then, standing protectively in front of Bella, one arm slightly back towards her, the other extended towards me. She was clearly very uncomfortable with the fact that she had no idea what I was going to do when this shock wore off. Carlisle appeared in the doorway then, his thoughts mingling with mine and creating what I could only explain as a catastrophic reaction. A sudden flood of intense anger and hatred flooded through me, and before I could contain it, it had engulfed me completely.

Murder was overwhelming my mind, but the one person - no, he could not be called that - the COWARD who I wanted to kill wasn't here. Before I could control myself, I effortlessly hurled my ceiling-high bookcase into the other wall, effectively smashing it into unidentifiable pieces, books flying everywhere. I looked over to see Alice crouched over Bella, not touching her at all, but keeping her safe from the debris. I realized in that moment how hideous I had just been. I had terrified Bella when she was already afraid. I had caused my sister to have to protect Bella - protect Bella, from ME. I had just been her biggest danger, and that was absolutely unacceptable. How could I have ever let my emotions control me to such a degree?

Disgusted with myself, I knew I needed to leave - now. I was still not under control, and I needed to get as far away from Bella as I could so I didn't hurt her further. I whispered my apologies to all of them, before crashing through my glass wall. I hit the ground running, and kept running into the forest until I was sure Bella was more than safe from my anger. And then, I let the woods take my anger. But not all of it. No, never all. I would save the brunt of my anger for the one who most deserved it. His time would come. I would make **sure** of that.

**BPOV**

I could feel light seeping into my dark reverie, and it angered me. I'd finally found somewhere I didn't hurt, and it was being taken away again. Though it hadn't lasted long, time was still dragging and it felt longer than it actually had been. I was grateful for that. But as much as I tried to push the light back out, it grew brighter, and with it came sounds, smells - and the pain. Alice was calling my name and trying to get me to wake up, but I refused to open my eyes. I was awake, I knew that. I'm sure she knew that. And after hazily recalling the last events I remembered, I'd drawn the conclusion that I had passed out. Still, I didn't want to open my eyes - it would make everything real again. The sudden realization that Edward would be waiting, worried, had me betraying myself before I knew it, as my eyes snapped open and I lurched forward.

The pain that shot through my body from my fast movements made me gasp and reach out, in hopes of grabbing something - anything - to stop me from slamming back down like I was about to. Funny, how pain can make your body refuse to work the correct way you want it to. I felt stone hands around both my wrists, and after taking a few breaths with closed eyes while waiting for the pain to pass, I glanced up to see Alice holding onto my arms. Though I'd figured out it would be her, simply by the tiny hands, I was still surprised it wasn't Edward. I noticed I was sitting on Alice's bed, but more confusion rang through me as I looked around to find Edward nowhere in sight. "Alice," I frowned "Where's Edw-" the truth hit me like ten million bricks, and a pain unrelated to Jacob attacked every cell in my body. Edward had already left. Already decided he was done with someone as hideous and used as I was.

I knew this was coming, and yet the agony of his abandonment still made my entire body fall weak. The will I had in me to survive was gone, and I pulled against Alice's grasp, collapsing into myself and crying when she dropped my wrists. Why was she still here? I didn't understand. "You can leave, Alice.." I whispered, knowing she would hear and hoping she wouldn't. As much as I knew her abandonment was coming, I much preferred her here. But she had to know that she could leave me now, too. I couldn't burden her with staying for any length of time.

"What? Bella, no, you have it all wrong! Edward didn't _leave _you, he just.. He lost control of his anger at the situation and needed to leave to protect you!" Alice explained to me, sounding upset. "He's coming back!" She frantically shouted when I didn't respond. I visibly cringed at her tone. "I'm sorry, I really didn't mean to scare you. It's just, you have to understand that he is coming back. Please, please, look at me, Bella.." Alice was rushing her words, sounding more distraught by the second, so to ease her worry I did as she asked and looked at her. She sat down next to me and carefully reached out, pulling me up gently by my hand. "Alice, you don't have to cover for him. I understand. He deserves better than someone as…horrible, as me. It's okay." I told her, not feeling like it was okay at all. But she had to know I understood. Hell, I didn't want me, either. I just didn't have a choice. Or did I…? A few thoughts flashed through my mind, and I shook them off. Now just wasn't the time.

Alice sighed deeply and set her hands in her lap, staring at me with a determined, but kind, look on her face. "Bella. You need to understand something, okay?" she paused and searched my face, finding whatever she was looking for a few seconds later as she continued. "Edward loves you. You are his life. He would NEVER leave you over something like this. Never! But he's angry at himself and at Jacob. What we told him took him off guard, and he lost control of his anger. He just needs to let some of it go, and he'll be back. I swear to you, he won't leave you. None of us will, Bella." She paused again, leaning slightly forward and staring straight into my eyes, before she began talking again, softly but seriously. "And you are NOT horrible. Please don't ever call yourself that again. You are so strong and brave, Bella, you are the bravest human I've ever met! None of this is your fault. Jacob is the horrible one - not you. You may feel like you're changed completely, but I promise you that you are still there. Look inside yourself, and you'll find you again. And we will all stand by your side to help you do that. We all love you, Bella."

Her talk had taken me by surprise. How could she think I was brave and strong? Strong? I couldn't even stop Jacob! I was weak. But I wasn't going to argue with her on this, right now. Even if I couldn't fully absorb or accept her words, her comfort was what I needed right now, and I understood about Edward a little more. Even if I still was hesitant in him wanting me. How couldn't he see that he deserved better? As selfish as it may have been, I wasn't going to tell him that just yet. I would take any time with him I could get, before he did realize that. I leaned forward and hugged Alice, grateful once again for her kindness.

Before I could even break our hug, I felt Alice stiffen slightly as Edward walked into the room. I pulled away from her and gulped, afraid at any moment he'd realize his mistake in returning. Instead, he dropped his head and quickly strode over to me, sinking onto his knees in front of me. "Bella, I am so, so sorry to have upset you further than you already were. You are the love of my life, center of my world, and my intention was never to hurt you. I'm so sorry I left. Please forgive me.. I will understand if you don't." His tortured voice caught me by surprise, as well as his words. What in the hell was he talking about, forgive him? Forgive him for not wanting to be around someone as hor- okay, not horrible. Disgusting. Alice didn't say anything about that.

"Edward, th-there's nothing to forgive.." I mumbled, blushing at my stuttering. He gazed into my eyes a moment, glancing at Alice quickly, then giving me a half-hearted crooked smile before gently lifting up my hand and kissing it. Before I could realize he'd done it, it was over. My heart hardly had time to speed up, and I didn't panic. Truthfully, I was a little smug at not having freaked out. The self-loathing returned shortly after the smugness, but it had been worth it. Maybe he really did still want me.. Maybe I wasn't doomed to an entirely meaningless existence quite yet. I could only hope. But staring into Edward's loving eyes, that is exactly what I did. I held onto the hope that the violent act that stole everything I was, had not yet stolen my life, as well.

I was pulled from my thoughts as Edward grimaced, and a flash of fear found it's way quickly around my body. He smoothed his face out expertly, and took my hand in his, looking at me with pleading eyes. "Bella, will you please let Carlisle examine you? You might be seriously injured." My heart sped up and tears blurred my vision at his request. "What? No.. it.. I'm fine. I'm okay. I swear. Nothing is wrong, he doesn't need to check." I tried unconvincingly to comfort them, and it became harder to breathe as I realized this was unavoidable. "It's okay, love. Please, let him? You can't know you are okay. And I can stay if you want, or Alice can? Whatever you want. It's okay. Nothing bad will happen." He started tracing soothing patterns on the back of my hand, and I focused solely on calming down before even thinking about answering him.

After a good 10 minutes of calming myself, I took a deep breath and looked at the floor. "Okay" was all that slipped quietly through my lips. I didn't have the strength to say more. I didn't know how I was going to get through this, in fact I was fairly certain I wouldn't. I prayed it would be over quickly, but was positive this was going to feel like one of the longest times of my life. Edward helped me to stand up, and I was secretly glad he was careful to keep his distance, and keep contact limited. As we walked out the door and down the hall to Carlise's office, I tried to will the floor to swallow me whole. To my disappointment, I was still frighteningly present as we walked into the room that was about to became the biggest reminder of the worst day of my life. I took a deep breath, and held it.


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: I'm sorry it took me so long to get this up! Once we got back, I had a horrible case of writers block. Luckily, I think it's pretty much gone, and so updates should be more frequent. Thank you for everyone who is sticking with me! You are all wonderful. And again, reviews are absolutely beyond appreciated and are very, very motivating to me! Hope you all enjoy this. I know it's not as long as usual, but I wanted to get SOMETHING up so you all knew I didn't abandon this. **

**BPOV**

Five minutes later found me lying on an uncomfortable hospital table in Carlisle's office, in an even more uncomfortable position. Tears were already beginning to fall from my eyes, and I was clutching Edward's hand with everything I had. "I will be as quick as possible, Bella, okay? I can stop at any time. All you have to do is let me know." Carlisle explained in an attempt at comfort, but it did nothing for me. Regardless of what he said, I was about to feel violated all over again, regardless. I closed my eyes as tight as I could when I saw Carlisle move to begin the exam. As soon as I felt him, a scream tore from my lips before I could stop it. I frantically tried to lift myself up off the table, ignoring the pain rippling through my body. Edward's cool hands gently held me in place, without pushing me back down. "Bella, please, you're okay. Shhh, you're safe. It's just me and Carlisle. Nobody is going to hurt you. Please lay back down?" Edward's voice was soothing, but strained. I regained my composure enough to lay back down. This time, I clenched one hand onto Edward's, and the other to the table. Anything to stop me from reacting like that again - it was embarrassing.

After what felt like a lifetime, but was likely only about 10 minutes, Carlisle draped a sheet over my lower half and let out a troubled sighed. Edward tensed immediately, and a low growl escaped from his chest before he got enough control to stop himself. He already knew what Carlisle was going to say, and now I was even more terrified, judging by his reaction. "Bella, I'm afraid there is a bit of a problem." My heart was racing at Carlisle's words. He was visibly struggling with telling me this. How bad was it? WHAT was it? "You are severely bruised, but that will heal on its own, in time. I'm not too worried about that. What I am worried about, though, is that you have a serious 2nd degree Perineal tear. It…will requires sutures." At this, the room began spinning sickeningly, and everything in me wanted to curl up and sleep forever. Instead, I buried my head into my hands and tried to block everything out. After I had just barely gotten myself through the exam, now he had to be down there putting in stitches? How much more did I have to go through? Could I even handle that? I didn't know. I didn't feel like I could handle anything else.

"I will have it done in 5 or 10 minutes, but I can certainly put you under a general anesthesia, if you'd prefer. You would simply sleep through the whole ordeal.." Carlisle offered kindly. I appreciated his thoughtfulness, but the only thing scarier than having this done at all, was the thought of having this done and being entirely out of control. "No. No. I don't want to be that…vulnerable." a deep blush quickly rose to my cheeks. I felt ashamed to say that in front of them, fearing that they would think I was in some way saying I did not trust the Cullen's. That wasn't it at all, and I hurriedly tried to explain that to them. "It's not that I think you guys would try to hur-" Carlisle held up his hand to stop me. "It is absolutely fine, Bella. Whatever makes you most comfortable is what we will do. And do not worry, none of us feel offended in any way. We understand." He finished with a kind smile that eased my mind slightly. I offered my best excuse of a smile back at him.

"Would you like me to stay, Bella?" Edward asked. "Yes. please." I grasped his hand again, hoping to convey my need to have him here with me. "As long as you want." He whispered as he gave me a halfhearted smile, and brushed a strand of hair off my face. For a moment in time, I forgot where we were; what was about to happen. Looking into his beautiful, golden, eyes, getting lost in them was as easy as breathing for me. My peace was interrupted when Carlisle cleared his throat. Edward turned to look at him, and I could clearly tell they were having one of their silent conversations. Normally, this would have frustrated me. Now, I was just relieved the attention wasn't on me. As soon as that thought crossed my mind, Carlisle turned to look at me. "Are you ready, Bella?" Hesitantly, I nodded. Honestly, I wasn't ready at all. But I knew I was never going to be.

As Carlisle gathered his tools in one area, the more afraid I was becoming. I attempted everything I could think of to calm down, but nothing was working. Even Edward was trying to help soothe me, but everything was in vain. I was about to give up, when I was suddenly hit with an idea. "Edward, do you think Jasper could.. Try to help me calm down?" Now I felt some hope. Maybe with Jasper's calming, I could actually get through this okay. My hope faded to nothing as I saw Edward's pained face grimace, before he looked down at the ground. "He's…not here. I'm sorry, Bella. They left to give us privacy. I didn't think about his ability.. I'm so sorry." I could hear how it hurt him to not be able to give me the only thing I had asked for. Though not being able to get help from Jasper's gift was utterly disappointing, the worst part of this was seeing Edward upset over it. "No, it's okay, Edward. Don't apologize. I'll be fine, I was just wondering." I assured him, not sure that I would be fine at all, but I would do anything to get rid of his pain, even if it was only temporary.

I knew by Carlisle's still form that he was ready, and it seemed best to get this over with as soon as possible. He gave me a questioning look, and I nodded at him, signaling I was ready. He lifted the sheet up just as a question crossed my mind. "Carlisle, can you..can you just let me know what you're doing before you do it?" I almost blushed at the question. It felt silly to ask, but I couldn't help that it made me feel better to understand as much as possible of what was going on. "Of course I will, Bella." I gripped onto Edward's hand and worked on slowing my shaking as much as possible. "You're going to feel a little pinch, okay? After that, you will be numb and won't feel anything else." That eased my mind a little. But, just barely. Just because I couldn't feel it, didn't mean it wasn't still happening.

I stared up at Edward with tear-blurred eyes, and he looked at me with the most loving expression. I was surprised anyone could look at someone as disgusting as me in such a loving way. "I'm going to suture it now, Bella. This should only take a few minutes." Carlisle announced. Edward began humming my lullaby and soothingly rubbed the underside of my hand. Carlisle continued to voice his actions, and the tenseness never left me. I dedicated myself to solely focusing on finding every hue of yellow in Edward's eyes. A few times I felt an ache-y sort of pain down there, and winced. But I was happily surprised that before I was finished, Carlisle was. "The stitches will dissolve by themselves in a few weeks. You did wonderfully, Bella! You can go lay down now. Take it easy for a while." He smiled at me and began cleaning and clearing his things. "Thank you, Carlisle." I mumbled, not exactly thankful for this situation, but certainly thankful for his kindness and patience. He really was an incredible person. Er, vampire.

I turned myself so my legs were hanging off the table, eager to get out of here and into bed. Edward offered his hand to help me off the table, and I gladly accepted. As much as it hurt me to walk, I was more afraid of being carried. Though our progress to his room was agonizingly slow, Edward was patient, as always. He helped me into bed, and as I curled up on my side to face him, he crossed the room to sit against the wall. "I love you. I am so proud of you, you did amazing, Bella." he whispered from across the room. "I love you, too." Was all I could manage back. The emotional stress I'd been through was catching up to me, and I felt myself drifting off. Edward began humming my lullaby again, and I found my eyes drooping closed from his angelic, calming, voice. Within minutes, sleep claimed me.


	9. Chapter 9

**BPOV**

I woke up groggy, barely able to crack my eyes open. Suddenly the heaviness lifted, and waking up was much easier. My eyes fluttered open, and Edward's apologetic smile from the middle of the room immediately made me suspicious. What'd they do, drug me? As soon as I thought it, I felt instant guilt. How could I even have thought that? They would never do something like that. "Everyone is home, and you started to get restless in your sleep. So, Jasper helped you sleep a little. Maybe a little too much. Sorry, love. We were just trying to help." Edward explained in a nervous manner, like he was afraid I'd become angry. If anything, I was thankful. I didn't want to have nightmares anymore than they wanted to hear me have them. "It's okay. Thanks, Jasper." I called out, knowing he would have heard even if I had whispered it. "What time is it?" I asked as I moved myself into a cross legged position, facing Edward. "9:57. You know it's Monday, Bella.." He said sadly. I froze. Shit. I'd forgotten. It was passed by Charlie that I stay the weekend with the Cullen's(well, Alice) and come home Monday afternoon. I was still on Spring Break for another week, so school wasn't a worry. But going home to Charlie most certainly was.

I wasn't entirely ready to get out of this bed and face the day, let alone to face Charlie. I groaned out load, burying my head in my hands in defeat and letting myself fall onto my side on the bed. As soon as I hit the bed, I gasped out loud from the pain. Edward was by my side at once, his hands hovering over me, afraid to make physical contact but desperate to help in some way. His worried and helpless eyes hurt me even more. I couldn't even fall onto a BED without causing myself and him pain. Could I do nothing right in this world? Would I ever be good at anything? "I'm **fine**, Edward. Please, just leave me alone for a while." my own self loathing caused me to snap without even thinking about it. I saw the hurt from my words in Edward's eyes before he covered it up, and it was enough to end my anger instantly. Edward told me he loved me and headed for the door. Even if I wasn't angry with him, I did still want to be alone for a while, so I didn't stop him. I was hoping to get things sorted in my mind, but after a long while there was a knock on the door, and Alice's voice chimed her desire to come into the room. It was then I realized I hadn't solved a thing. All I had done was criticize myself. And all that realization caused was for me to feel disgusted with myself. Was this ever going to end? It didn't feel like it.

"Bella?" Alice's voice rang through the door again. I'd almost forgotten she was out there. "Come in, Alice." I answered, and she quickly walked in, shutting the door behind her. As she walked over to the bed, I lifted myself up so I was sitting, and she sat down next to me. "Do you want to talk?" She questioned after a minute. "Honestly, Alice, not really." I looked over at her, and she was nodding her head in a thoughtful way. I began wondering what exactly she'd come in for, but couldn't find it in me to care enough to ask. I found out soon enough. "How are you going to tell Charlie?" She looked at me seriously, and my mouth fell open. "I'm not!" I nearly yelled at her, panicked at the thought of him knowing. "What? Bella! You can't seriously want to keep this from him.." Alice looked as if she was questioning my sanity, and it was getting on my nerves fast. I swallowed the sarcastic and bitter replies I wanted to throw at her, and answered as normally as I could. After all, my best bet was to get her to agree with me instead of fighting her on it. They could go behind my back and tell him. I didn't think they would, but I couldn't be too careful on this.

"I don't want to keep it from him forever. I just don't want to tell him right now, okay? Please, Alice. Haven't I had to deal with enough for a few days? I just want to try to have some semblance of normalcy for a little while. Is that really too much to ask?" And it was the absolute truth. Though, I left out the part where I was afraid Charlie wouldn't believe me. He loved Jacob. What if he thought I was lying so he would stop being mean to Edward? I shuddered at the thought of Charlie knowing what had happened, whether he believed it or not. Alice was looking at me with a heartbroken expression, and it made me feel awkward. I didn't want her pity, just some understanding. When she sighed loudly, I knew I had won. For now, at least. "Alright, Bella. But I really think it'd be best if you told him as soon as possible. It'd be better for everyone." she trailed off. "I'll try. Thanks, Alice.." I really was appreciative. I never knew a fight with Alice could be so easily won, though I had a feeling under different circumstances, it would have been much harder. I shrugged the thought off and stared out the window, wishing I could fly. Fly away from everything.

"Can I give you a hug?" Alice interrupted my momentary hopes of impossible escape. I stared at her for a minute, wondering why she asked. I wasn't afraid around her, or any of the female Cullen's. She could easily have looked into the future and seen it would be fine. For a moment, I thought about asking her this, but decided against it. "Of course you can, Alice." I said, and she reached out. Her embrace was so kind and loving, I felt the tears pooling in my eyes the longer we hugged. She pulled away just before the tears could fall, and gave me a smile as she rubbed my shoulder. "I'm always here for you, Bella. For anything. You know that, right?" in fear that the tears would fall, I just nodded my head. She stood up in front of me and reached for my hand, helping me off the bed. "Let's go get you some of that odd looking human food before you go home. You're going to disappear into air soon if you don't eat more." She scolded halfheartedly. If only she knew how much I wished that really _would_ happen. I'd never eat again, if it could.

After I'd eaten what I could of the scrambled eggs and toast Esme had made, I'd settled onto the couch with Alice and Rosalie on either side, and Edward sitting on the floor at my feet. We held hands in what should have been an awkward position, but due to Edward's vampire-ness, it was not uncomfortable at all. There was something on TV everyone was watching, but I was hardly paying attention. I'd spaced out, and though I was staring towards the TV, I was seeing something far different than whatever was on. I continued spacing out further and further, not focusing on anything in particular, except trying to not really think at all. It slowly started dawning on me that I wasn't sure I could pull myself out of this, and I started to feel afraid. I couldn't see around me, and couldn't seem to focus enough to bring myself back. I heard whispering, and then Alice whispered in my ear. "Bella, what's wrong?" Her voice snapped me back instantaneously, and I shook my head in an attempt to free myself from the last of my mind fog. "Nothing, I just, um, spaced out for a minute I guess." I answered honestly. She didn't look satisfied, but let it go.

I'm not sure how much longer we all sat there, but Edward stood suddenly and I looked up at him, curious and fearful at the same time. "It's 11:30, Bella. We should head to your house now." He said in an apologetic tone. I nodded my head and attempted to swallow back the bile rising in my throat. He helped pull me off the couch, and everyone stood up then. Esme came over and hugged me goodbye, telling me to come back anytime I wanted. Carlisle came over to say goodbye, but held back on the hugging, as did the other boys. I was grateful to them for their understanding without me having to tell them. It was difficult being around the boys, even Edward, when we were just in the same room. I was almost positive I wouldn't be able to handle physical contact with any of them, other than holding hands with Edward. After the goodbyes, we headed towards the door, and I froze just as we stepped outside. Sudden fear overwhelmed me, and I was finding it hard to breathe. Edward stopped immediately and looked at me, questions in his eyes. Before he could ask anything, though, I ripped my hand from his and stumbled backwards towards the door.

Before I had more time to panic, Alice was suddenly at my side, holding my hand. I exhaled the breath I didn't realize I had been holding, and relaxed. "Of course I'll come, Bella! Anything I can do to help." She smiled at me in a way that made me not feel like as much of a fool for having reacted the way I did. It had just occurred to me out of the blue that I was going home, and would be alone in a house with two males. Whether they were my father and Edward or not, they were both still men, and the thought of being alone with both of them was terrifying. Luckily for me, the future seeing pixie knew what I was going to ask and stopped that situation before it got out of hand. Edward had obviously read her thoughts, because he didn't ask any questions, just continued knowingly to the car.

The car ride home was uneventful and short. Shorter than I had hoped, in fact. I still wasn't sure what I was going to tell Charlie. Luck happened to be on my side today, though, because Charlie wasn't even home. He had the day off and should have been home, but I wasn't about to complain. It was better this way. More than likely he had gone fishing with Billy. The thought of Billy made me think of Jacob, and my stomach rolled at the flash of his face my thoughts conjured up. For a few lengthy seconds, I was absolutely sure I was going to vomit inside Edward's car. But as soon as it came, it passed, though not unnoticed by the two vampires in the car who were looking at me with worried eyes. "I'm fine" I told them as I waved them off. Before I could open my door, Edward was standing outside holding it open for me, giving me a slight grin. I got out of the car and headed for the steps, not at all sure what I was going to do once I was inside. Nothing held the same importance to me anymore.

"Bella, do you know how to draw?" Alice piped up from behind me, sounding a little too excited. "Um, kind of. Well, yeah, I guess." I wasn't exactly sure where this was going. It was so random. "Great!" Alice chirped "Do you want to go draw in your room?" By this time we were in the house, and I turned around, looking at her like she had grown a second head. She giggled at my expression, and grabbed my hand to carefully lead me up my stairs. "Don't you think it'll be fun? We don't have to if you don't want to, we can find something else to do." She said, sounding like she really meant it. But honestly, I couldn't come up with anything better, so I figured I might as well let her have whatever fun she was imagining. "No, Alice, that sounds fine." I sighed as she let out a little squeal of excitement. "You're going to have fun! Don't worry!"

Even though I couldn't picture it, I did have some faith in her words. She could see the future, after all.

Either way,.. something told me that this was going to be a long day.

**A/N: Just wanted to say THANK YOU to everyone who reviewed the last chapter. It made me so happy to see each and every one of them! You are all wonderful. This is actually not only my first fanfic, but the first thing I've ever written - period. I hope everyone enjoys this chapter, as well! Let me know what you think. I'm trying my best to keep everyone happy. Oh, and I also want to say that Jacob's punishment will most definitely come! He's not going to get away with it. **

**Have a good weekend, everyone!**


	10. Chapter 10

**Just realized I've been forgetting something important - Disclaimer: I am NOT Stephenie Meyer. And I do NOT own these characters! **

**BPOV**

"Okay, I think I'm done now Alice. My hand is aching from this" I explained as I dropped my pencil and flexed my hand, attempting to work the kinks out of it. We'd been drawing for over an hour, and to Alice's credit, I actually had had a good time. It was relaxing and distracting to do something so carefree. Alice heaved a sigh of sadness and I rolled my eyes at her with a smile. "What'd you draw?" I asked as I leaned over to look. She slid multiple pieces of paper around to face me, and my mouth fell open. She had drawn absolutely beautiful fashion ideas for clothing. I wasn't big on that kind of stuff, but there was no denying what she'd created was spectacular. "Alice," I breathed "you need to become a designer." Her face fell slightly at my words, and she turned the drawings back around to face her. "I've always wanted to. But I can't. I'd become well known, and then it'd be made public and raise questions how I never aged, or died, for that matter." she explained slowly, for Alice. My smile disappeared as that sunk in. I felt for her. I knew how much she loved fashion, I couldn't imagine how frustrating it must be to be immortal and capable of doing anything - except the one thing you would really love to do. I reached out and hugged her. "I'm sorry."

She hugged me back, but as fast as her mood had fallen, it rose. "It's okay. Just as long as I get to buy clothes I'll always be happy." She flashed me a sparkling smile, and I couldn't help but laugh at her sudden change of mood. The sound slipped through my lips and both Edward and Alice froze for a split second, before both their bodies relaxed more than they had all day. They both smiled at me, and I suddenly felt extremely awkward. To ward it off, I slid my drawing towards Alice and told her she could have it, before I cautiously lifted myself off my bed and headed for the door. It dawned on me I hadn't heard either of them move, and I turned around to see Alice still staring at my drawing, looking at it like it held the key to unlocking life's secret code. "What?" I asked, feeling self conscious. Now Edward was standing next to Alice, peering over her shoulder at it. "This is intense, Bella…" Alice spoke softly, traces of sadness littering her words. I felt myself blush, now embarrassed and wishing I'd just thrown the it out. Truthfully, I hadn't thought too much about it while I was drawing it, but the finished product wasn't something I wanted to keep. I'd drawn a girl lying in front of a headstone in a cemetery, the ground caving beneath her as she slowly fell into her grave. Even with lifeless eyes, her hands were slightly reached out, fingers down and embedded into the ground in an attempt to save herself. The drag marks on the ground from her hands held the answer that she was still slipping away, regardless how she tried to stop it.

It all felt far too close for comfort the more I thought about it, and I let out a fast and hard sigh before turning back around and heading out my door. "What would you like to eat?" Edward was suddenly slightly ahead of me, walking down the stairs while looking back at me. "I don't know yet. I can make it, though." I told him, holding back the bitterness I was now feeling from the embarrassment of their reaction to my drawing. I wanted to shred that drawing, now. Edward looked like he was about to insist on cooking for me, when I heard Alice casually clear her throat behind me. He glanced back at her and appeared to think better of his protests. As I walked into the kitchen and opened the refrigerator door, the phone rang shrilly next to me on the wall, and I jumped so high I nearly fell. I caught myself on the counter and stared at the phone, the thought of who it could be making my heart thump unevenly. "It's just Charlie." Alice reassured me, and I hesitantly picked up the phone. "Hello?"

"Hey, Bells!" Charlie's happy voice replied. "Did you have fun with Alice this weekend?" "Hey, dad. Um.. Yeah, I had a really nice time." I lied. "That's great. I've been out fishing with Billy, and was going to go back to his place to watch the game with him, but I wanted to check in with you. I'll be home around 7:30, does that sound alright?" He sounded a little nervous, my guess was he felt bad about leaving me home alone all day. If only he knew.. "That sounds fine, dad. Can, uh, Edward come over for a while?" I questioned as I glanced up at Edward. He was smirking. But I figured I might as well sound like a good kid asking permission, even though it was pointless. "Fine. But I want him gone by 7, okay? You let him know that." Charlie grumbled. "Alright, dad. Thanks. I'll see you tonight. Love you." I mumbled back into the receiver. "Love you too, Bells." Charlie said before we both hung up.

I turned to face Edward. "Good news, Edward - you can come over now," I grinned mischievously. He laughed shortly before holding my hand up to kiss it, gently letting it fall back by my side. I turned my attention to Alice, enjoying the sudden lightness of emotions in the room and hoping to extend it. "He didn't say anything about you though, Alice..so…" I faded off, smiling at her. She laughed. "Charlie actually _likes_ me. I don't think it'll be a problem if I stick around." Edward rolled his eyes at her and she responded by sticking her tongue out at him. I giggled and turned back to my search for food, settling for a bowl of cereal. I sat down at the table and after a few minutes, it occurred to me I'd been playing with it more than eating it. I looked up at Edward across the table from me. "Where'd Alice run off to?" I asked curiously, noting her absence and not recalling her leaving. He looked upwards for a second, before looking back at me to reply. "She's currently raiding your closet." My mouth fell open as I stared at him. He couldn't be serious. Was she really that addicted to clothing? Edward laughed at my expression. "She's incorrigible." he stated. "Bella!" Alice yelled from upstairs. "You SERIOUSLY need my help clothes shopping!"

I rolled my eyes. "Sorry, Alice! But I don't see the point in buying designer clothes when I know I'm going to fall and rip them at some point." I told her honestly. I heard her bell like laugh as she descended the stairs and came back into the kitchen. "Like I said; you need my help." She informed me. I got up and cleaned my dishes before turning back to Edward and Alice. Seeing them both standing there, I felt guilty for having them stay with me. Just because I was such a big baby didn't mean they should have to be bored like this. "So!" Alice chirped, breaking my train of thought. "We have 6 hours before Charlie gets home. What would you like to do?"

Edward stood up from the couch to face me. "Charlie is about to pull into the driveway. I'll be upstairs, okay? Don't worry." He contradicted himself by looking worried, though he was trying to hide it. "Okay." I said, trying to be brave. I was scared sick about facing Charlie, whether I was telling him or not, it was the first time I'd seen him since it happened. I looked over and noticed Alice was now sitting back on the couch with me, looking right at home. I raised my eyebrows at her, questioning why she wasn't hiding, too. "He won't care I'm here," She grinned widely "I checked." I might have laughed if I hadn't been so nervous about Charlie being home, but instead I just shook my head and gave her a weak smile. As I heard Charlie open the front door, I felt the sourness in my stomach and decided in that moment that the excuse of me being sick was perfect. Then my off behavior wouldn't be nearly as suspicious. At least, I hoped it wouldn't.

"Hi, Bella" Charlie announced as he entered the living room. "oh! And hi to you too, Alice" he said, surprised. "Hi, Charlie!" Alice gave him her most charming smile, and it was obvious she was correct in that he wasn't bothered by her being here. "It's great to see you! How long are you staying?" Charlie adored Alice. He had lectured me many times since Italy on how Alice was a great influence for me, but Edward, however, was not. "Oh, not too long. Just for another half hour or so." She replied politely. Even though I knew she was only saying it for his sake, the thought made me uneasy and I tried to push it away. Charlie gave her another smile before turning to look at me, frowning as soon as his eyes landed on my face. "Bella, are you okay?" It was nice to see I was doing such a good job at faking nothing being wrong, I thought sarcastically. "Yeah, dad. I just feel pretty sick. Did you have a good day?" I asked, changing the subject as subtly as I could manage. It worked. "Yeah! It was a great game. I lost $10 to Billy on a bet, though," he laughed. Charlie started to turn around towards the kitchen, and then as if remembering something important, he whipped back around towards me.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Alice go board stiff and sit up straighter. She casually slid herself closer to me and grabbed my hand tightly. I was instantly afraid of whatever she had seen. "OH! I almost forgot. I saw Jacob at Billy's, and he told me to tell you he had a really good time hanging out on Friday, and he already misses you," Charlie said in a way that I believe was supposed to make me feel guilty for not seeing him more often. On normal conditions, that would have worked. Instead, I was feeling light headed and I felt more than sick now. "He said to tell you to give him a call, or he can just drop by school next week and see you real quick." Charlie smiled at having delivered the message, and it only made me feel more disgusted. I wrenched myself away from Alice, scrambling off the couch and ignoring the pain as I made a dash for the stairs. That pain was nothing to the pain inside of me from Jacob's words to my father. I heard Charlie call me, and Alice was already at my side trying to help me up the stairs. I heard her curse multiple times under her breath, angry at having to keep up the human pretence in front of Charlie.

Once we were out of Charlie's sight, Alice picked me up and had me in the bathroom before I could take another breath. Thank god for that, because in less than a second I was throwing up everything. My sanity, my peace, my happiness. All of it gone. It was entirely overwhelming, this lack of everything I used to be. I couldn't adjust to this new world. I didn't _want_ to adjust to it. I wanted to abandon it completely, but I could find no way out. When I was finally done, I curled up on my side, reveling in the coolness of the tiled floor against my cheeks. Alice was sitting next to me still, my pain nearly mirrored in her eyes. I wasn't sure how long I laid there before she swiftly stood up and I heard her bound down the stairs, explaining to Charlie I was sick, but would be okay. Assuring him she would take care of me. I listened as she made her way back upstairs, but couldn't find it in me to care enough to sit up. Or even to pretend to be okay anymore. I might as well just stay here. I let myself drift into nothing… at least it was peaceful here.

I heard Alice as she walked into the bathroom, and knew she was purposefully being loud for my benefit. I let go of the last strands of consciousness I was holding onto as I felt her arms slip around me as she lifted me up. I had the sense I was moving, and felt myself laid onto something soft, which I recognized after a while was my bed. I heard Edward's velvety voice upset, and heard him say my name, but still did not try to reach out to consciousness. I rolled to my side, curling my legs up to my chest, and let sleep overtake me. I simply wanted to forget everything about Jacob. But all night the thoughts swirled around my head, incapacitating me. His attack, his words, now his subtle threat: if I didn't call him, he would come to my school. And I knew it wouldn't end there. The thought that disturbed me the most, was the one I kept coming back to.

This would not end until I was dead.


	11. Important

**PLEASE read this through. It is extremely, extremely important. I NEVER intended on writing one of these during this story, until some of the reviews I got to the last chapter. Now I feel it necessary.**

**As those who have read the last chapter know, Bella did not tell Charlie, and Jacob then threw subtle threats at her through him. I got some reviews almost immediately after I posted it, and they really struck a nerve and upset me. I want to say right now that they were not really BAD reviews. They did not criticize my writing, the storyline, etc. They criticized Bella's not telling Charlie. Looking back at them - they do not upset me nearly as much, and if the people who wrote it read this: I am not angry with you, or trying to sound unappreciative of your reviews, I swear. Thank you for reading, and thank you for reviewing. Because I honestly do LOVE reviews - they drive me to write more. I just want to make a few things crystal clear, here, so that this can hopefully be avoided in the future. Please, please stick with me on this. This is hard for me to write, but I think I need to.**

**If you haven't read my profile, then I'd like to let you know that I am a survivor of rape/sexual abuse as a child for a lot of years, and was also raped by a trusted friend when I was 16. I am 18 now. As a kid, I never told anyone what was happening to me. I told my parents just before my 16****th**** birthday - 12 years after the abuse had started. I later filed a report on the guy who did it. I still have not told anyone about being raped when I was 16. Nobody, except all you internet land, now. It is difficult trying to understand and work through everything that has happened to me. It has all affected me in nearly every way possible, and I carry so much shame from what I went through that I cannot talk about it, which in turn makes it impossible to completely heal from. It is a vicious circle. I am self-conscious about many things surrounding that; often worrying that people are judging me for what others have done to me. Lately, things have been harder than usual, and it is easy for me to take what someone says about someone else, and see just how much that applies to me. Then I wonder what they would say about me if they knew a certain thing.**

**Which leads to the reviews and in turn, my writing this. See, the whole reason I began writing this story is because it feels very healing to write. I never planned on putting it on FF until I started and thought "hey, maybe other people would like this.." which led me here. I understand exactly what it is like to be betrayed so terribly, and by someone you trust. Therefore - this story is actually really personal to me. So, when I read reviews of people voicing their disgust/annoyance with Bella for not telling Charlie - it was suddenly no longer about Bella. It was me. Bella hasn't told her father in 3 days and they think she's stupid - and here I haven't told anyone for two years. What does that make me? You have to understand, I didn't realize how much reviews like that would eat away at me when I started this. Also, I am not usually so sensitive to people's words! Again, things have been harder than normal lately, but even so.. it surprised me how much it felt like a direct blow to my situation. **

**My immediate decision was to pull the story off FF and be done with it. I planned to continue writing, but not posting anything more on here. It was late, so I went to bed, and when I woke up in the morning I had multiple reviews.. All of which felt much more positive. They gave me a sort of renewed inspiration, and I realized how rude it would be for me to just pull the story and leave everyone who has been so nice to me, hanging. The good reviews kept coming, and slowly I decided to simply address the problem with this, and then continue on with the story. **

**I've had a complete flood of creativity, and had already written half of the next chapter and planned on putting it up that next morning, before this review-drama began. I'll be honest and say that since then, I haven't opened the chapter to edit it or write more. What had felt healing suddenly felt far too raw to touch. Instead, I've been drawing, which I love. It's kind of sad to me that I didn't turn it to my writing, but my heart just wasn't in it(which would have made for bad chapters, anyway!)**

**So the cut and dried version of this, is: **

**1) The story WILL continue, but I don't know when the next chapter will be up. Maybe a few days, maybe a few weeks, I'm not sure. **

**2) Reviews that say things along the lines of "I don't understand why Bella isn't telling Charlie," "It doesn't make sense why she didn't tell her dad," or "I wish Bella would tell someone," etc. DO NOT BOTHER ME AT ALL. At ALL! Please don't misinterpret me and think I am saying all things like that will upset me, that's just not true. **

**3) I AM going to ask that people please refrain from saying things along the lines of "Bella is such an idiot for _," "Bella's fucking dumb," "If she just told then _ wouldn't happen," etc. **

**I hope you all realize that the reality of this is that if Jacob hadn't raped her, the threats and problems wouldn't happen. Bella is not at fault for ANY of Jacob's actions. Sentences like those are very victim-blaming. Due to that it's possible, if not highly likely, that other rape survivors will read this, things like that are unacceptable to write here. You may be talking about a fictional story, but someone else may be feeling that it is anonymously aimed at their very REAL situation. I hope everyone understands this! **

**To all survivors, I simply say this: It was **_**never**_** your fault. **

**To everyone else: Thank you so, SO much for reading this. Not just this note, but the whole story. Thank you to everyone who reviews, who adds this to their favorites or to their story alerts. Even a huge thank you to everyone who reads this and ****doesn't**** review - I appreciate you ALL! **

**Most importantly to the people who wrote the reviews: I hold no grudges - I am certain you never intended to offend or hurt me in any way. **_**Thank you**_** for pushing me out of my comfort zone and helping me realize a part of myself I need to work on. I honestly appreciate it, now. I think it was an important thing to happen for me, personally. **

**Everyone, have a wonderful weekend/week! You are all awesome.**


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